Sedation

by timdavissays

Sedating. numbing.

reality scares me.

my own breath like a whisper

that the world spins round.

 

Controlling. Consuming.

dismantle this paradise

nothing seems real anymore

so i retreat into repetition.

 

see the corners of the room

it’s so dark, do you believe in them?

I’m on a beach smoking

sipping a whiskey in my left hand.

 

so don’t tell me 

get up and try again

cuz the only thing i need 

to get is my fix.

 

this obsession is killing me

suffocating me

but i love it

 

these walls close on me

containing me

and i’ll let them

 

and as i fade away into obscurity

laughing at the end of this bottle

screaming fuck it, I’m happily sedated. 

 

i’m the king of nothing

my kingdom lies empty

walk with me and you’ll see

how everything was thrown away

 

love, courage, commitment to change

all these things fell away

in the silence of my addiction

to full throttle in my own direction

 

so this wasteland you see

there’s hidden beauty here

I’ve learned the future’s for discovering

so welcome to my prison sentence

 

and as I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil

I’m screaming fuck it, I’m happily sedated.

 

 

 

If getting to Heaven means ‘living on high’

Then God’s right, I don’t deserve any of it.

I’ll still be dragging my cross

the weight of my sins like chains to the grave.

 

exhale. escape from yourself

talking to myself on the road to hell

Are you lost? or something else?

Seems like you’ve been here before.

 

Now I’m thinking Mom I love you

where have I been for you?

I’m sorry for the things I said to you.

 

And now I’m thinking Dad, where were you?

I needed a man other than myself

to get up and walk with me, at least talk with me.

I’m living in hell.

 

And my regrets of the past and who I am

Every day THEY ARE MY CHOICE

And I accept that.

But these demons run circles round me

 

As I’m on my knees crying by her grave, 

reading her name, praying for clarity

I understand there’s too much love in me

and say fuck it, I can’t live sedated.