Sedation

These are my words on what I struggle with personally. A lot of time and craziness has gone into putting these words to paper. Frankly, I believe my mind is a bit gone. More so, I believe we are all a little crazy. Insane maybe. And so I find no other appropriate time than now, to speak of our dysfunction as human beings. I have put together an ensemble of my own words. A concert of my struggle. Love, addiction, life. These are my stories told poetically. This place is called 'Sedation' because that is how one should live life, if not insane. Without further to do, the music has begun. Can't you hear it? Thank you for listening and please enjoy the show.

This One Hurts.

I’ve played cards with the devil

holding onto the queen of hearts

yeah, counting on this one

you’re my secret and I’m gonna win

Got gold in my fingertips

Never could fold this hand

tomorrow I’ll be folding both my hands

praying god take this cup from me

There are so many days I could quit

as I keep failing I keep screaming

please pull the trigger, dig my grave deeper

I’m not content with 6 feet under.

These words may never seem

to reach you but to me they mean

everything, but while you’re still growing up

I’m growing stone cold.

And as I lose my mind

with my heart on your doorstep

I’m living heartless, empty and often

breaking down singing…

I really miss you.

I’ve taken hits

but this one hurts.

yeah, this one hurts.

Honey I don’t always get it right

And honestly I don’t know why

I can’t roll my eyes at it and yet here I sit,

writing this shit again.  I can’t forget.

Honey, the truth is I’ve fallen

somewhat in love with you

and somehow hating myself for it

but I don’t want to ever lose this.

And I understand that he is

much better than me

but baby hear me when I say

I could not care any less because

You are the sun on my shoulders

you are the tears in my eyes

the pain in my chest, the butterflies

the reason I keep smiling, crying and singing…

I really miss you.

I’ve taken hits

but this one hurts.

and I don’t want to lose you.

I really miss you

I’ve taken hits, gotten up

and still made an effort

but honey, this one hurts.

I woke up this morning hoping

you’re happily smiling somewhere now.

I close my eyes and sail the seas

till I find you on the shore, smiling back at me.

You are my courage to live

For the little things.

This message in my heart

singing alone knowing

I really miss you.

And it really hurts.

Sedation

Sedating. numbing.

reality scares me.

my own breath like a whisper

that the world spins round.

 

Controlling. Consuming.

dismantle this paradise

nothing seems real anymore

so i retreat into repetition.

 

see the corners of the room

it’s so dark, do you believe in them?

I’m on a beach smoking

sipping a whiskey in my left hand.

 

so don’t tell me 

get up and try again

cuz the only thing i need 

to get is my fix.

 

this obsession is killing me

suffocating me

but i love it

 

these walls close on me

containing me

and i’ll let them

 

and as i fade away into obscurity

laughing at the end of this bottle

screaming fuck it, I’m happily sedated. 

 

i’m the king of nothing

my kingdom lies empty

walk with me and you’ll see

how everything was thrown away

 

love, courage, commitment to change

all these things fell away

in the silence of my addiction

to full throttle in my own direction

 

so this wasteland you see

there’s hidden beauty here

I’ve learned the future’s for discovering

so welcome to my prison sentence

 

and as I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil

I’m screaming fuck it, I’m happily sedated.

 

 

 

If getting to Heaven means ‘living on high’

Then God’s right, I don’t deserve any of it.

I’ll still be dragging my cross

the weight of my sins like chains to the grave.

 

exhale. escape from yourself

talking to myself on the road to hell

Are you lost? or something else?

Seems like you’ve been here before.

 

Now I’m thinking Mom I love you

where have I been for you?

I’m sorry for the things I said to you.

 

And now I’m thinking Dad, where were you?

I needed a man other than myself

to get up and walk with me, at least talk with me.

I’m living in hell.

 

And my regrets of the past and who I am

Every day THEY ARE MY CHOICE

And I accept that.

But these demons run circles round me

 

As I’m on my knees crying by her grave, 

reading her name, praying for clarity

I understand there’s too much love in me

and say fuck it, I can’t live sedated.

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